Family & Relationships

How to Know if Someone Is Lying

Know if Someone Is Lying

To quote Christopher Walken a la “True Romance” regarding lies, “a guy’s got 17 pantomimes; a girl’s got 20.” There are often cues and signs that someone may be lying. But before you whack them, remember there may also be understandable reasons for the lie.

Instructions

• Look for body language that might indicate someone is lying, such as not looking you in the eye when speaking to you, being fidgety, or acting nervous or uncomfortable.

• Listen for inconsistencies in what the person tells you, such as different stories on different days, different time frames, mistakes in remembering details or mixing up details.

• Notice if the person steadfastly resists answering any questions. Extreme defensiveness could mean that he or she is trying to hide something.

• Notice if the person accuses you of lying or being deceitful when you really haven’t been. This could reflect the other person’s own underlying behavior, which he or she is projecting onto you rather than owning up to it.

• Listen to your gut and intuition. You may just know someone is lying. If you are not sure, don’t jump to conclusions. Try to get some evidence to back up your hunch.

• Consider asking directly if the person has lied to you. Many people feel bad getting caught up in lies, and find it a relief to finally be honest.

• Try to be understanding and listen to the person’s reasons for lying. Was he trying not to hurt you? Was she afraid you would be angry, upset or disappointed?

• Look at your possible role in having someone lie to you. Are you someone who gets so upset hearing the truth that others feel they can’t be honest with you?

How to Discuss Hurt Feelings

Brooding on hurt feelings can make them worse, but blurting them impulsively can damage relationships

Very few amicable relationships remain purely cordial all the time. Friendships based on a sense of mutual sameness usually produce antagonisms at some point, largely because, as the psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan argues, feelings of sameness nearly always involve wishful illusions. From Lacan’s point of view, hurt feelings frequently indicate a rupture in that illusory sense of sameness. The danger lies in flipping to the opposite extreme, deciding that the relationship has turned “bad” because of a jarring difference. Friendships can deepen when hurt feelings get discussed properly.

Instructions

• Pause for reflection before acting on hurt feelings. A delayed but thoughtful response will usually generate more constructive results than an immediate, blurted reaction. Psychoanalysis suggests that people who feel easily hurt may find themselves looking in the wrong direction when they blame others for their emotional responses. The mind gets structured by patterns of relationship built in early life and some of these patterns can “filter” present day experiences. A careless but non-malicious comment from a friend can “pass through” an inner representation of a mocking or punitive figure, perhaps partially based on an aspect of a parent or a sibling. When this happens, the comment gets instantly interpreted as a humiliating slight.

• Take full responsibly for personal emotional responses. Person A may hear the same comment as person B from a third party, directed at both of them equally, but feel entirely differently about it. Emotional reactions occur very rapidly, but think of them as constructions rather than passive “happenings.” At some level, often beyond conscious awareness, people choose to feel a particular emotion. Other people don’t “cause” emotions; personal habits and assumptions do. This doesn’t excuse offensive and inconsiderate behavior on the part of others, but identifying how an emotion gets built in the mind helps in deciding how to respond to it.

• Work on a “balance of probabilities” exercise. Psychoanalyst Bruce Fink, a follower of the radical French analyst Jacques Lacan, argues that human speech is irreducibly ambiguous. Words mean more than they say — as soon as speech leaves a person’s mouth, it enters another’s mind and gets subject to complex evaluations and interpretations at phenomenal speeds. A person who constantly expects criticism may experience relatively innocuous or humorous remarks as attacks. Reacting with furious condemnation will more likely damage a friendship than enhance it. Take “time out” from the immediate situation and come back to it later when instantaneous feelings have cooled.

• Strike when the iron’s cold. This phrase comes from psychoanalyst Fred Pine, who argues that in states of raw and intense emotion, rational action easily gets blown away. Coming back later to the “scene of the crime” — the person whose remarks resulted in hurt feelings — enables a calmer and less fraught exchange. Openings remarks such as “Can I just run something by you that’s been troubling me?” make for less threatening intros than “You really upset me the other day and I need you to know why!” It takes time to come up with tactful opening remarks when hurtful exchanges require discussion.

• Keep opening comments purely observational or benignly questioning. Remarks such as “I found myself a bit puzzled when you said ‘X’ yesterday” invites clarification whereas “You hurt my feelings when you said ‘Y'” invites defensive obfuscation. Focus on tact-with-honesty — if someone has behaved or spoken carelessly, or even maliciously, he can make amends for he actions if given the chance. Allowing space for what psychoanalyst Melanie Klein called “reparation” fosters the growth of strong and healthy relationships. Klein argues that most people wish to repair the damage they inflict when they grow aware of any hurt they might have caused.

• Practice tactful fortitude. A bully will usually back off when confronted with evidence that his intended victim can come back and question him, even if politely. Don’t sink to the level of the wrongdoer – remain calm, posed and courteous. Psychoanalysts frequently challenge distorted thinking and malicious states of mind their patients; but they do so with great forbearance and diplomacy. A counter-attack usually simply escalates hostility or animosity, whereas an intelligent observation (or question) relating to a potential act of aggression, in speech or deed, at least shows that the “target” is no doormat and will respond robustly.

Tips & Warnings

• Choose a trusted confidante, if you can, to check your feelings with before responding.

• If you repeatedly feel easily hurt, consider seeking psychotherapy to help manage the internalized origins of such pain.

• If you find that even tactful comments arouse further hostility and aggression, back away quietly and seek additional support and help from friends, family or work colleagues, especially managers. You may have stumbled upon a malicious person who can only feel good by making others feel bad.

How to Move On After a Break Up

There is life after a break-up.

Break-ups can be difficult and painful, but the important thing to remember is that a break up is not the end of the world. Sometimes a break-up can even be a good thing because it will give you a chance to re-evaluate your life, and maybe even lead you to find someone more suitable. The truth is, that you can move on after a break-up no matter how bad it may have been.

Instructions

• Give yourself plenty of time to heal and recuperate. Remember that time heals all wounds. Put away pictures, gifts or any mementos that remind you of your ex. It is natural to experience feelings of denial, but do your best to resist the urge to call your ex and ask to get back together. Immediately after a break-up, you are at your most vulnerable state, so be careful not to get into a rebound relationship that may prove to be a mistake. Avoid some of the pitfalls, such as drowning your sorrows in alcohol, and instead channel all of your energy into positive activities that make you feel good about yourself.

• Surround yourself with friends and loved ones. Talk about how you’re feeling and allow them to comfort you and offer you advice. A break-up can be a very lonely experience, so surrounding yourself with others you love and trust will help to erase some of the loneliness. Don’t try to deal with the experience all by yourself. Go out and meet new people, rebuild old relationships, network and immerse yourself into social situations. Keep yourself busy doing things you enjoy with the people you love, and don’t dwell on the past.

• Go out and have fun. Don’t stay home and sulk, as it will only make you feel more miserable. Round up a group of friends and hit the town. Do something fun and exciting, such as a night of dancing or bar hopping. Plan a weekend beach or camping trip or take a quick out-of-town getaway. Going out with friends will remind you that being single can be just as fun as being in a relationship. It will also help to keep your mind off your ex.

• Take some time off for yourself and get away from the world for a while. Use this time to reflect on your life and expectations for the future. Enjoy your time alone with relaxing activities such as reading, taking long baths, watching your favorite movies or engaging in a favorite hobby or pastime. Basically, take this time to do whatever makes you feel the most relaxed and calm. Clear your mind of all negative feelings to help you slowly let go of any lingering bitterness.

• Start dating again. After you have given yourself adequate time to get over your last relationship, consider getting back into the dating game. Allow yourself to fall in love again and enjoy the start of a new relationship. Be careful to not rush things and take the time to really let your partner into your life. Take care not to be consumed in this new union, or any other relationship, for that matter–you never know when another break-up may happen.

Tips & Warnings

• Whatever you do, don’t let a break-up get you down. Remember that everyone experiences break-ups regardless of age, race, class or social status. Even celebrities go through bad break-ups, so don’t let the end of a relationship destroy your self-esteem.

• If you don’t feel like you are recovering from your breakup after a significant amount of time, seek professional help. You may be suffering from clinical depression.

How to Break Up With Someone You Still Love

Breaking up is hard to do.

Breaking up with someone you still have feelings for is one of the hardest things in the world. Sometimes, however, more pain will be caused by trying to stay together if the relationship truly cannot work out.

Instructions

• Make the decision to separate, and stick to it. Waffling will ultimately only cause more hurt on both sides, so make sure you are committed to the breakup before you take the first step.

• Talk to your partner and explain why you can’t be with the person anymore. Honest communication is the key; lying about your reasons, even if it is to spare the other person’s feelings, will only confuse the matter.

• Divide any joint belongings. If you share personal space, one of you will have to move, so make a list of what each of you will keep. Remove all belongings in one step to avoid hurtful return visits.

• Wait before seeing each other to give the pain time to subside. Agree to give it a week, or a month–then re-evaluate and see if it is a good idea to see each other as friends.

• Forgive each other. If you still love each other, this should be easy. Don’t harbor resentful feelings, but acknowledge the good times you had together, and admit that it is time to move on.

  Tips & Warnings

• The process of breaking up can be extremely painful, especially if you still love your ex, so surround yourself with loving, supportive people. It’s OK to mourn the death of the relationship, but don’t make the mistake of immersing yourself in grief. Spend time with family and friends–that’s what they are for, to help you through the rough times.

• Trying to remain friends after a breakup usually doesn’t work. It’s a nice thought, but usually is hard and awkward for both people.

How to Understand Scorpio Men

Scorpio men are passionate about everything they do.

The Scorpio man is unlike any man of any other astrological sign. Scorpios, including men, are very deep and intense people. Understanding a Scorpio man is important in carrying on any type of relationship with him. If you are willing to deal with a Scorpio man, then you will have a loyal friend. If you are the right type of woman, then you can keep a Scorpio man in a relationship and have one of the most intense loves ever.

Instructions

• Learn your Scorpio man’s strengths and weaknesses. His strengths include being loyal, passionate, resourceful, observant and dynamic. His weaknesses include being jealous, unyielding, manipulative, suspicious and obsessive.

• Understand that a Scorpio man is intensely independent. He will most likely never give up on something that he’s set his mind to. He prefers to be in control of situations, and this includes what happens at home. To keep the Scorpio man happy, let him have his independence. Do not tell him that he is incapable of anything.

• Understand that a Scorpio man will be perfectly suited in a position that will greatly impact people or society. The Scorpio man will usually be very good with money, having the ability to make it and conserve it. He will often remain secretive of his money and power, if nothing else to ensure that no one tries to take advantage of him. You must be willing to put up with a Scorpio man’s quest for power positions.

• Remember that a Scorpio man is just a series of extremes. There is usually no halfway mark. The Scorpio man can be possessive and jealous, but he makes up for it with loyalty. He will never forget something that someone has done, whether it is an act of kindness or betrayal. He will often try to repay the act as well. If someone has wronged him, he will seek vengeance. If someone has helped him, he will do his best to repay the favor. Be completely honest with a Scorpio man, because if you’re not, there is a good chance he will find out, and you don’t want to be on a Scorpio man’s bad side. A Scorpio man is demanding in all of his relationships, but the payoff is worth it.

• Don’t get offended by the Scorpio man’s sense of humor. His sense of humor is often very truthful, but extremely shocking. He may joke about things that other people wouldn’t say out loud. In a nutshell, the Scorpio man will say things that everyone else is afraid to say.

• Never forget that a Scorpio man is determined. Even if a course of action isn’t working well, he can find another plan that will accomplish the same goal. He is even determined to always get his point across. He can spout facts and arguments that support his ideas. Be careful, though. He is also very capable of manipulation. An immoral Scorpio man will say or do just about anything to get what he wants.

• Understand that the Scorpio man has a fear of failure, but he will not let it show. If he fails in something, he will simply appear to brush it off and move on. Do not just assume that he is over something that would bother anyone else. The Scorpio man refuses to show weakness. Just remember that the Scorpio man will usually have a strong front, even if he’s dying on the inside.

• Understand the Scorpio man all around. He is a man of intensity, in everything he does. When he’s sad, he’s sad. When he’s happy, he’s ecstatic. He will always believe that he has a deep purpose in life. He is dedicated to everything he sets his mind to. He is very intuitive and understands people very well. He can often decipher exactly what people mean when they say or do something, even if someone is trying to be manipulative.

  Tips & Warnings

• Never betray the Scorpio male. If you are just looking to play with someone’s emotions, you should try a different sign.

• Make sure that you know your Scorpio male. You are getting into an unhealthy relationship if your Scorpio man uses his brains and intuitiveness for manipulation.

How to Play Hard to Get With a Guy

Playing hard to get starts with flirting.

There is something sexy about a woman who plays hard to get. The mystery and the thrill of the hunt comes into play when a guy doesn’t know if or when a girl will finally give in to his advances. Although playing hard to get often attracts men, if played incorrectly, it can lose men as well. If you play too well, men will think you have no interest in them and will slowly lose interest themselves.

Instructions

Things You’ll Need
Cell phone

• Flirt constantly with the guy, but make sure to flirt with other guys in his vicinity. Laugh at his jokes and tell him how cute he looks. Make sure, however, that he sees you touching other guys. It is OK to flirt less with other guys though.

• Wait a day to return his phone calls. When a guy calls you, don’t immediately call back, but don’t wait too long to return the message. Waiting one day is sufficient to play hard to get and pique his interest.

• Return text messages and emails every other time. Unless it is an urgent email or text, try to only respond half of the time. You want to look busy and only partially interested in him. This way, you appear busy and hard to get.

• Ask him to hang out, but only when other friends are around. Never ask him to do something alone with you. This will make it seem as if you are interested. Instead, ask him to join you and your friends for a movie or a party. Of course, you can take advantage of your alone time with him at these places.

• Tell one of his friends you are interested in him, but tell another friend you don’t want a relationship. This will send him a mixed message, which ultimately makes you look hard to get. He won’t know if you are really “into” him or if it’s just a rumor.

Tips & Warnings

• Playing hard to get should typically be reserved to attract the man who is hard to get himself.

• Don’t play hard to get once you are in an actual relationship. Relationships thrive on good communication, not childish games.

How Many Calories Do You Burn a Day Breastfeeding?

Your body burns about 500 more calories a day than normal when you breastfeed.

It’s well known that breastfeeding is best for the baby. Breast milk is a living fluid made individually for each baby, providing her with the most nutritious and healthy food available. Besides providing a solid base for your baby to grow on, breastfeeding helps mom naturally lose weight. She doesn’t even have to jump on a treadmill. The act of making milk itself burns hundreds of calories a day–even if mom has spent the whole day lounging with baby. Breastfeeding has some weight loss benefits to consider.

Effects

Breastfeeding burns an average of 500 calories a day, with the typical range from 200 to 600 calories burned a day. It’s estimated that the production of 1 oz. of breast milk burns 20 calories.

Studies have shown that breastfeeding mothers lose more weight after pregnancy than bottle-feeding moms–even if the latter group consumes fewer calories. Mothers who breastfeed exclusively have an average decrease in body fat and in hip and lower thigh circumference than bottle feeding moms.

Time Frame

Babies who are exclusively breastfed consume an average of 25 oz. of breast milk a day, meaning that moms burn 500 calories a day. The normal range of breast milk taken in by 1- to 6-month-old babies is 19 to 32 oz. a day. The amount varies after six months, depending on how much solid food the baby eats.

Considerations

Because the nursing mom is burning so many calories a day just through milk production, she needs to follow an optimal diet. Breastfeeding moms should consume from 1,800 to 2,000 or more calories a day, or 300 to 500 more calories per day more than those consumed to maintain pre-pregnancy weight.

In general, moms should eat when they’re hungry, which may feel like all the time. Mothers should not fill up on junk to make up for needed calories–they should eat a balanced diet full of whole grains, fruits and vegetables (preferably organic), protein and healthy fats. Whatever a mother eats passes directly into breast milk and, ultimately, into baby, so avoid additives, contaminants and highly processed foods.

Misconceptions

It’s a misconception that exercising will interfere with the quality or quantity of a mother’s milk supply. Exercising does increase the level of lactic acid in the body, but this hasn’t shown any negative effects on breast milk. Moderate exercise is key to optimal physical fitness and will help a breastfeeding mom lose weight without posing any side effects to the nursing baby.

Warning

Even though moderate exercise is encouraged, don’t overdo it. Breastfeeding mothers can put themselves and their milk supply at risk if they diet or exercise before their baby is 2 months old. This time should be devoted to establishing a healthy milk supply and recovering from birth–not dieting.

A sudden drop in calories can reduce a mother’s milk supply and push her body into starvation mode, which can be damaging to a mom’s health. Breastfeeding moms are discouraged from going on extreme diets–such as the no carb diet, the liquid diet and other fads–and they should not take weight loss medication.

How to Call a Private Number Back

Call a Private Number Back

It can be annoying to continually get calls from private numbers. These calls usually come from bill collectors and telemarketers, but some individuals choose to also have a private number to protect their privacy. Caller ID can identify the number of the person or company calling as long as the number isn’t blocked. If the number is blocked, the message on the caller ID will usually say “private” or “unknown number.” If you want to call a private number back there are some simple steps you can take

Instructions

• Pick up the phone. You can only call back a private number if you pick up the phone before anyone else calls you.

• Dial *69. In most states the phone company will allow you to call back a private number by simply dialing *69.

• Try other codes. The majority of the time *69 will work. However, it depends on your area. If the private caller is from your local area *57 should work. Other codes to try are *71 and *67. These codes are typically universal (the same) for most telephone companies. If all of these codes fail call your local telephone company to get the codes specific to the company you use.

• Stop private numbers from getting through. Most phone companies offer services such as call block, call rejection, call trap or call screening. In most cases it will cost you an extra $3.95 or more each month. Call your phone service provider to find out what is available in your area. If a person calls from a private number, your phone will require the individual to identify the number before getting through. These services are not always available in rural areas.

• Hang up on private callers. If you simply don’t want to hear from private callers you always have the option to hang up the phone. Even if you have a call screening service some people will enter all zeros just to get through. You always have the option to hang up on them or not answer the phone.

Tips & Warnings

• You can always start fresh with a new phone number, but be sure to get a non-published number to help prevent this from happening in the future.

• If you find that your always getting private calls from telemarketers you can register on line at http://www.donotcall.gov or contact the FTC directly at 1-(888)-382-1222 to be put on the do not call list.

• Be careful who you give your phone number to and avoid putting your home phone number on the Internet.

How to Know When a Guy Loves You

Know When a Guy Loves You

A man in love is a doer, not a talker–whether this means pulling a bunch of wildflowers for you, making you breakfast in bed or putting up with your Aunt Sue when she comes to visit for three weeks. A man in love is not someone you need to spend a lot of time second-guessing: men aren’t that complicated.

Instructions

• Watch his behavior. Men in love are probably easier to read than women because they don’t spend hours dissecting the relationship with their buddies. A man in love, out of force of habit, will do things to show he cares: pull wildflowers from a meadow in Yosemite, get a tattoo with your name on it, buy your favorite frozen yogurt (extra points for bringing it to you when you didn’t ask for it) and spending time with your family.

• Pay attention to his body language and facial expressions. If he is scrunched over and scowling, looks bored, is constantly checking his cell phone or similarly distracted or showing annoyed mannerisms, then you know he’s not in love. You don’t really need someone to tell you that.

  A man in love should be engaged with you, stare deeply into your eyes (unless he’s shy, in which case he will look away, but still be engaged with you), touch you lightly on the arm, shoulder or hair and smile when you smile. A man in love feels your rhythm and mirrors it.

• Test the waters. It’s always best to let the guy tell you he loves you first, but you can gauge his level of interest with comments that question his future interest. If you can’t get him to commit to a party you’re having a month from now, that’s a very bad sign. But if he’s already asking if you like to snow ski, and you just met in the late spring, this is a keeper.

• Feel his touch. A man in love will touch a woman’s face, cradle her chin in his hands or brush a hair from her eye. A man just out for a romp in the sack won’t indulge in tender touches such as these, especially out of the bedroom. If he has to at least hold your hand or fingertip in public, he loves you.

• Listen to your heart. You’ll know if he loves you. The hardest job we have in life is probably letting go of someone who does not love us. We all want to be loved so badly that we oftentimes project feelings and behaviors onto people who don’t deserve our adoration. If you are suffering–calling your friends for information, running over every comment he’s made or crying yourself to sleep–he does not love you.

Tips & Warnings

• Ask your closest friends to tell you what they honestly think of him.

• Don’t scare a man off by encroaching on his space.

• Don’t confuse lust with love.

• If he doesn’t discuss the future, he is not interested in having a future with you.

Taking Mini-Vacations

Vacation

In the recent economic downturn that Americans have experienced, more families are opting to take mini-vacations in place of bigger getaways. Not only do mini-vacations offer a small break, they are kinder on the budget, and just as satisfying as a longer and more expensive vacation. With a little imagination, you can take a mini-vacation with your loved ones where you have fun, relax and discover more about a new destination.

“Stay-cations”

Recently there has been a movement toward taking “staycations”: vacations where you take time off work to be a tourist in your own area. To plan a successful staycation, look for attractions in your own city or area that you may not have gone to before. You could spend a few days going to the zoo or the aquarium, or visiting every water and amusement park nearby. Either way, staycations save you money, as your only real costs are admission fees. Have each person in your family make a list of local places they’ve always wanted to go, and then narrow your choices down to make a staycation plan everyone can agree on.

Weekend Getaways

A short weekend getaway can be just the way to relax and recharge in place of a conventional vacation. Choose a place that is less than a day’s drive away from where you live. It could be a lake or camping area, the beach, a national park, a historical site or a neighboring city. Choose an itinerary where you visit a few tourist areas, and then spend the rest of your time relaxing. This option lets you explore a place far enough from your town that you’ll feel you’re on vacation, but close enough to not break the bank.

Last-Minute Deals

If you’re willing to be flexible, you can get great last-minute deals on mini-vacations across America. Some websites offer ideas for mini-vacations for the coming weekend. The deals include hotels, cars and even flights if you plan on heading somewhere far away. Be spontaneous and choose a mini-vacation to a location you haven’t considered before, as long as it suits your family and budget.